I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
