mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
