I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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