The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
