I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
