Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
