Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
