so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
