The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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