The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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