Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
