I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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