Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
