Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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