see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
