All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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