Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
