Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
