Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
