I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
