Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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