Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
