I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
