Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
