i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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