Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
