Banned from zoo.
Again?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
