I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
