I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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