Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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