ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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