I faked an abortion last night.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
