when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
