she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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