I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
