Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize