So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
