bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize