I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
