I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
