His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize