Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
