It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
