I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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