My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
