Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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