I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
