It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
