Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
