Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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