Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
