He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
we should paint friendship bongs
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
