Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
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