the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize