He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You took a bar mat shot.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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