Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize