Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We left an ass print on the piano.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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