Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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