I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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